Here lately, it just seems that struggle is all I deal with. Struggling with internal things. Things that are not nearly as important as I make them. But ever so faithfully I do make them big. My heart hurts all the time now and I cant seem to make it right. And to anyone reading this and starting to worry, please know that I am FINE. But I am dealing with things internally.
Being the daughter of a mother and father who always taught me to stand up for what is right, even if its not always popular was so hard and awful when I was in high school. To a high schooler, that meant, dont drink at a party because you know its not right, even if its what everyone else is doing. Dont treat people differently, even if everyone else does. Don't wear shorts with your hiney hanging out, even if other girls do. As an adult, its still just as important but not any easier. But it was engrained into my head and it just comes second nature to me. I am thankful for Momma and Daddy to teach me to stand on my own two feet and believe in myself as a strong, God-fearing Woman.
The bible says that God promises us that heaven will be, well..heaven. But here on earth, we will go through struggles and trials. Jesus also promises us "Blessed is the man who perserveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.' James 1:12
I know that this hardship that my heart is going through is a trial and when I have learned the lesson that He is trying to teach me, I will receive victory! I have already received His most precious gift, the gift of salvation. I cannot imagine what I have done to receive four more gifts. ( CV & my trio)
Tonight when I got home from just a dark day, my babies were the light! I had a dance party with Emmi in the kitchen and sat on the kitchen floor and ate cookie dough with Witten. At one point, each child came up to me out of no where and thanked for me for various things. Emmi thanked me for her candy. (Of course) Witten right before bed, came up to me, gave me a pumpkin kiss (that's 'our thing' that I will hang over his wife's head someday) and thanked me for his Power Ranger Book that I bought him this weekend. Brock came up behind me as I was ironing letters on his 100 day shirt for tomorrow and thanked me for doing it! ahhhhhhh.....the sigh of a momma who cannot comprehend the amount of love I have for all three. All three, completely different, completely alike in Him. And I love them all so much it hurts.
Jesus loves you and I so much more than that, so much that I can't find words to express it!
How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! 1 John 3:1
Could you please get a hold of yourself before you actually push me over the edge. I am tired of the constant crying, the ever-so present face breakouts and the mood swings that are giving me whip lash. My husband is being patient but how long can he stand me like this and my children deserve a better mom. Please get a grip!!
I am sitting here in my recliner, as I do every night. Going through Blog after Blogs. I love reading women's thoughts. I found one tonight though, that has left me sitting here sobbing uncontrollably. I found one about a little girl named Kate. Kate is 5 and is fighting a fight that no little girl should ever have to face. She is fighting a brain tumor. I read the Mother's thoughts and she blogged about her experience and just buried my head and bawled! I cannot imagine the burdens on her heart! Kate is the most beautiful blonde-haired, blue-eyed little girl. I think its hitting me hard, because she looks like she would fit into the Van Hoy clan pretty easy!
Tonight, I went to a prayer service for Camon Stowell. Camon is 3 months old and a fighter already. He coded twice today but he fought his way back to his sweet momma and Daddy, Jenny & Jarrod. My heart hurts for Jenny. I know she is scared. As would I be. As I am. For Camon.
But, I know that Jesus is the ultimate healer. I am so thankful to be a child of God. I know that HE is holding Camon tonight in that PICU bed. Just as He has His arms wrapped around my precious trio tucked away in their beds.
I feel so overwhelmed with gratitude for having a God who loves us so much. I ask God every night to protect our kids from any and everything evil. I pray that Jesus place a hedge of protection around our babies from satan.
I believe satan wants to destroy us. and I believe that he will attack us at any angle, including illness in our children. But the LORD WILL PREVAIL! I have faith in Him and Him alone!
When I came home from the prayer service, Emmi, as always, was waiting at the door and through the window glass she looked at me and squealed 'MOMMY!" I immediately said a 'shooting star' prayer, as we call them at Mom's Day Out, that one day Jenny will hear Camon squeal like that for her and all of this will be just a season they went through.
In the sweetest name I know, Jesus Christ, I pray for you and your babies!
PS- I do have an awesome update on Witten that I will post soon, but my heart is too heavy. I do not feel that I have the strength to share on my own gifts (my kids) tonight!
To Read Kate's Story, just click here, but grab some tissues first!
I am officially obsessed with BLOGS!!! Not mine...but other women out there who have so much talent its just nauseating! I just spent 2 hours stalking and gaulking over one lady's blog. She has got great talent for decorating her house. She paints all old hand-me-down furniture. She makes her bedding. She creates all her own decorations....its just sick!!! And not to mention, she has three kids, to which she home-schools. WHAT?!?!?!?!?!
I just dont know how she does it??? But...
I am going to give some things a try this year.
I hate New Years Resolutions b/c.....well....let's just be 'skrate up' (straight up) as CV & I would say, my ADD will not allow for me to maintain New Years Resolutions. Not to mention, that I have the will power of a small goat.
But I do want to set Goals!
I like that word so much better. They dont seem so....permanent.
I am going to sit down tonight and pray! I want God to show me what my goals need to be.
I want them to honor Him.
I want them to be realistic.
I want them to be new for me.
I am a terrible creature of habit. I get out of bed the same way every morning. In the shower, I bathe myself everyday the same way. My routine is the same everyday. I am ready for change!
I kinda feel like I'm campaigning for O'bama right now.
I want to better myself this year!
When I get my goals made....I'll post
Peace Out Homies!
Just wanted to share my pic for the day!
This is a testament of God at work in my sweet Witten. His sensories are so overloaded, but Witten is fighting them. He is trying so hard to enjoy what most kids love!
Tonight, at home, we had the BEST time as a family! I was excited ALL DAY for American Idol to start. I had it all planned that we would eat dinner and have baths and be settled by the time it came on and could watch it all together! Well...of course as my life usually goes.....Life had a change of plans!
I got a terrible headache! So I didnt start dinner when we got home. Instead I found myself baking cupcakes. Which is not totally un-normal for me! B/c for me, a cupcake makes anything better!
(I am convinced that God has a lovely little bakery just waiting for me to come and run when He calls me home)
Anywho- So I started dinner later but my kids had fun getting to play outside. And Emmi and I had enjoyed putting sprinkles all over our cupcakes, kitchen floor, sink & counters.
Can I just take a moment and say this-- I made those mini cupcakes tonight and BOY!! They were BLISS! CV literally pops them in his mouth like they are tic tacs! Typical! And arent Cupcakes just better with sprinkles?? YES!!
So it comes time to start dinner and spaghetti is the easiest choice. We all sit down as a family to eat supper. And my kids are scarfing down their food! Brock says momma this is the best food! Wait...you made the best supper two nights in a row! AWWW.....my sweet Mommas Boy!
After dinner, CV cleans the kitchen & I go to bathe my spaghetti soaked children! Witten and Emmi are giggling so hard in the tub. I love their giggles!
So...the babes are dressed! The kitchen is clean and AI is already recording on the DVR! CV and I sit down to start watching and we are laughing so hard at the tv. We enjoy watching this together! We laugh at the same things. I am bawling everytime someone gets a golden ticket to Hollywood! We rewind certain parts over, just to hear Simon say it again!
Meanwhile, our children keep popping in and out of the room, wanting to be tickled or goosed! They are in the boys room laughing and playing with one another! Finally the show is over and the kids had been tucked in bed for a while. CV looks at me and says How funny are our kids?
I feel blessed to have giggles and sprinkles covering my house tonight!
So Poor Brock was sick all day yesterday with fever and an aching back. He was dizzy and crying. Bless his heart. So my wonderful Momma took him to the dr this morning. Turns out it was just the sinus crud. So he had to stay home. But of course, it was my first day back to MDO. So off to Mamaws house he goes....I know....Bless his soul! When I got there, he was completely healed! PRAISE GOD!! He had a great time! This was waiting for me to see!! He made these out of dominoes!
Ok Blogging world! I have been missing my ability to say (or type in this case) what I feel and not have to be judged about it...mainly b/c I'm convinced only two people read my blog. (And my mother is NOT one of them) But I need to BLOG!!!
So I am feeling like a SUCKA!! (Thats Sucker said in New York Gangster voice) I am a sucker for reality tv shows. I cry at almost all of them and for the most ridiculous reasons. Right now, I'm watching Regis and Kelly. Which I watch maybe once every 6 months. The t.v. is usually turned on the Disney Channel.
Ok Tracey get back to what you were saying...
Ok So,..watching Regis and Kelly, and Nick Jonas is co-hosting with Kelly today. So already I'm excited b/c I'm sitting down with my cup of coffee and Nick Jonas is on tv. Who I secretly crush on the Jonas Bros. Not that I think they are cute, b/c good nite..could they have more hair?? I just picture them when their all 40 and old and not popular anymore and are just covered in hair... ok there I go again..rambling!
So they do a contest between three girls are who outside the studio and whoever wins the contest gets to come sit inside and watch the show. These girls are all about 13-14 years old and know every answer to the questions like it's nobodys' business....So one girl gets picked to come in and shes all happy but then.......Kelly lets the other two girls come in too. These two girls just act like they were handed the key to the golden gates. They are crying and screaming and hugging each other. And What's Tracey Van Hoy doing??? She's on the couch blubbering like a baby over it.. A 27 year old, mother of 3, sitting at home in her sweat pants and Ugg Boots crying over three tweens getting to go sit inside a room with two famous people!
As I type this it makes me wonder...If I asked those three girls the same questions about Jesus would they know the answers as quickly??? Thats deep I know.....